Update on When Mom Goes to War

My friend, Eileen, who is the stay-at-home-Navy-reservist-Catholic-homeschooling-mom-of-five, recently updated us on her activities.

After being told she was going to Iraq for a year, Uncle Sam has sent her to Afghanistan instead.

Here's an excerpt from her latest email:

Hi everyone and greetings from Afghanistan!

All is going well here. Sorry that it has taken me a while to write. I kept thinking that I would do it this weekend, but there really is no "weekend" here per se. We work 7 days a week, about 14 hours a day. That and a workout is pretty much the whole waking time. I did go to Mass today, which was nice. 10 folks, no singing or anything. I did the 2nd reading. The priest is nice - perhaps from the Caribbean somewhere?

...Now that I am here work is fascinating and crazy busy. My room is a wooden shanty that looks like it could have been built by my 7 year-old son but what are you going to do? Plus, did I mention TINY. I mean TINY. It has a twin bed and that is how deep it is. I'll have to measure it to see how big. But you know, I pretty much go there to sleep and that is it. The days are FULL!! There are no dressers or anything, just these wooden or metal shelf type units with sort of cubbies. Interesting but making storing stuff a little tricky...

Things are good here. The people are nice. The work is interesting and I am busy. It is all going fast. Of course, I say that except I just realized that this is only my 3rd day and in many ways I feel I have been here for weeks. Crazy.

Please say a prayer tonight for Eileen and her husband and five little ones awaiting her safe return.

What makes a good husband?

The ABC's of Choosing a Good Husband: How to Find and Marry a Great Guy by Stephen Wood

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
At first glance, the cover and title of this book and its partner book, The ABCs of Choosing a Good Wife were off-putting to say the least. It seemed juvenile to think one could just apply a list to select a spouse. In fact, everyone I've known who has a "list" for a spouse, usually ends up disappointed because the "perfect" partner doesn't exist except in our imaginations.

However, once I got into this book, I found the ideas riveting and somewhat frightening. The reason they were frightening is because the author, Stephen Wood, makes sense when he speaks to young women about what qualities make a good husband. Unfortunately, many of these qualities women hope their future husbands will have, such as being self-giving, considerate, patient, affectionate, generous, honorable, humble, strong, caring, responsible and mature, are often qualities that young men today are lacking. Sometimes women will fall in love anyway and hope to "change" their husbands once they're married. The truth is marriage isn't the force to change their behaviors. In fact, marriage can sometimes exacerbate underlying character flaws such as irresponsibility, immaturity, narcissism, and selfishness.

The most frightening chapter of all is chapter 18, "Ruinous Effects of Pornography on Your Future Marriage." I recently chatted with a priest friend at a party and he told me he is concerned that so many young men today have a warped view of sexuality due to pornography that they might not be able to make and keep a sacramental marriage. The plague of pornography has become so widespread, that some experts suggest as much as 70% of all college-aged men use pornography and some of these will go on to be so addicted to it that they will prefer pornographic experiences over real women.

According to Stephen Wood: "Annual porn profits exceed the combined revenues of all the professional football, basketball, and baseball franchises." And, "Every thirty-nine minutes a new porn video is created in the United States."

As if those statistics aren't scary enough, he goes on to outline the extent to which pornography has affected Christian men. "In a 1996 survey, 53% of Promise Keepers (Christian men) admitted to viewing porn within a week of attending a PK event." And, "In a (Protestant) pastors.com survey, 54% of pastors said they viewed porn within the past 12 months."

He goes on to say the pornography crisis is even worse among Catholic men. It has affected Catholic men in all walks of life, from priests and deacons, to seminarians (even at the "good" seminaries), to youth group and campus leaders and students on orthodox Catholic college campuses to Catholic homeschooling fathers. Some estimates are that half of all the men attending your parish are ensnared by pornography. He estimates at least two-thirds of all eligible Catholic men have a problem with pornography. That's scary.

Pornography is addictive to men particularly because it causes chemical changes in the brain. Technology has shown us that when pornography is viewed, there are at least a half-dozen neuro-chemicals released into the brain which not only gives the viewer pleasure, but also permanently etches images in his memory. Like other addictions, greater extremes of pornography must be viewed in order for the brain to register the same feelings of pleasure. Ultimately, the man has become a slave to pornography and will choose the pictures or videos over being with his wife.

There are other issues that can kill a marriage, and Stephen Wood lays them all out, in ABC order, to help young women navigate the way to a happy and healthy marriage.

I highly recommend this book to parents as well as young women and men who are contemplating the vocation of marriage.

View all my reviews.

When Mom Goes to War

Note: This posting was moved from the "comments" section for Navy mom of five leaves for Iraq today. You can also read my December posting about her here.

My reason for posting this item was to share with other non-combatants, some insight into the preparation and sacrifice that our men and women in uniform make in order to serve our country and yes, fight for our freedoms. I didn't plan on making it a debate about whether or not a mom should be sent to war. In this case, the mom volunteered.

And to set your minds at ease somewhat, she is supposed to be assigned to an intell unit that will be safely enclosed in a compound away from heavy street-fighting. But as we know, the enemy has a way of bringing the fighting to the innocents, so she has to be prepared for all contingencies. But her plan is to stay inside the compound for her entire tour, keep her head down, and not get shot.

I can't speak for Eileen, but I can tell you she is a dedicated mom as well as a dedicated naval officer. She and her family have made the decision to place the needs of our country above the needs of her family for this year in their lives. This decision was not made lightly, and yes, she could have said "no," after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001 changed the nature of military service from one that prepares for war, to one that actually fights in a war. Indeed, her first response after 9/11 was to volunteer, as did many patriots. Her pregnancy meant they couldn't use her at that time. She could have left the service, but she stayed in the reserves because she obviously felt "called" to serve.

I put her in the same category as Sarah Palin. Lots of folks were shocked at her gumption to think she could run for Vice President while she had a newborn child with Down's Syndrome and a pregnant unwed daughter. "She was supposed to be home taking care of her kids," they said. But Sarah Palin isn't an ordinary mom. Eileen isn't an ordinary mom either.

Not everyone is called to serve in such a heroic fashion. Most of us stay-at-home moms serve by taking care of our families at home. But perhaps she is serving something higher than herself and her personal needs. I doubt if she would be able to commit to this level of military service if she didn't have the love and support of her husband, family and friends.

By the way, she told me her father said the same thing, when he heard she was going to be activated to Iraq. He is a retired Navy admiral and was used to being the one sent on dangerous missions while his family stayed home safe. It just didn't seem right to him that his daughter should be the one called. But Eileen assured him the Navy needed officers of her specialty and rank, and no, they didn't need any more admirals over there.

So, in answer to your questions, they do need her to go. She has the training and skills they need right now.

I'm constantly amazed at our nation's all-volunteer service. We have some of the most highly-trained and highly-skilled service men and women of any nation. And they are all volunteers. She volunteered to go. And she is one of many mothers and fathers who are serving as military forces and civilians in dangerous parts of the world.

As for the question of whether or not a mom should go to war, that's an issue that a woman who becomes a mother while serving in the military has to ask herself and her family. As for me, something clicked in my brain the moment I became a mom. I suddenly had an overwhelming desire, rather a primordial need, to be with my baby. I had a very difficult time even going back to work (which was a desk, in an office in Washington, DC). I entertained briefly the notion of staying in the reserves because it was only one weekend a month and two weeks a year and the pay was quite good. But the Gulf War became a reality during this time and my mother bear instinct was re-awakened and I knew I couldn't leave my babies, for I had three by this time.

I don't expect every mom to have the same gut feeling I did, though many do. And obviously, many men feel a mother should stay safe with the children while they do the fighting.

But the facts of life today are that women are in the military and as long as these women are mothers, they face the same deployment realities the men face.

The men and women who volunteer today face the stark reality of a post 9/11 world and they all have to be ready and willing to pay the ultimate price.

Military Mommy of Five Goes to Iraq

A friend of mine, a Naval Academy grad and Catholic homeschooling mom of five young children, is going to Iraq for a year.

"But can't they send someone else?" another friend said to me.

Yes, I'm sure they can. But we must not forget that duty, honor, country and making oaths, really matter. My friend has not forgotten. She serves her country because it is her duty and it is the honorable thing to do.

When someone is enlisted or commissioned into the armed forces they take an oath. Ours went something like this:

I, [name], do solemnly swear, that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God.

I know my friend is scared and she wants nothing more than to finish her time in Iraq as quickly as possible and to get home safe and sound to her family. She doesn't want to go to war any more than any of us do. But she knows that she has made a promise to God and her country to serve faithfully.

She's a reservist, which means she is used to being home with her kids, except for that one weekend a month and two weeks a year that she wears a uniform and serves her country. She will be activated in a few months and will then be carrying out her duties 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for approximately one calendar year.

She will be going in harms' way to help protect our country and our way of life, but also, to help our global neighbors live a better life and experience freedom and justice in a way that they hadn't previously been able to experience. She goes to help prevent another terrorist attack like the one on September 11, 2001 that claimed nearly three thousand lives.

She risks her own freedom, happiness, and security, and that of her family, in order to carry out her duty. She risks leaving her youngest child, not yet 2 years old, that he might not recognize her when she returns.

Her husband and parents will be carrying on without her and trying to keep a normal routine while mom's away. They'll be homeschooling her kids and taking them to Mass and to family reunions and birthday parties and soccer games and piano recitals. And they'll be counting the days until Mom returns.

Please remember Eileen and her family in your prayers.

On being a female veteran

The following is from a National Review Online article from yesterday (Veteran's Day):

"For most, military service is a short period, a few years. But they may be dramatic and formative years, very significant for the life to follow. Some may look back on those as their best years. Others may not want to remember them. Most return from war unscathed if not unchanged, others with varying degrees of wounds, some physical, some emotional, or both.

The experience may shape and define one’s future, or not. But as a veteran you can be guaranteed a spot in the hallowed ground of Arlington or another of the national cemeteries. You can salute the flag (rather than placing your hand over your heart), whether in uniform or not. More importantly you will have the satisfaction of having done something exceptional, something you share with over 23 million Americans. (Only 7.2 percent of American men are veterans, and if you are a female vet, you are in a more exclusive club of 1.8 million, or six tenths of a percent of the US population.) And you will enjoy the admiration of a country that recognizes your sacrifices and is grateful."

What surprised me was the low percentage of the population who are veterans. I suppose this is due to the fact that we have had relatively little armed conflict since Vietnam. Despite the fact that we've been fighting a war in Iraq for over 5 years, we still have a very small minority of the population who has served in uniform.

Perhaps most surprising to me was the fact that only 0.6% of the population are female vets! I don't think of myself as such a small minority since I know quite a few female vets and am part of a Yahoo email group of female Naval Academy grads (an even smaller group) that has 626 members.

Being a mom in the military was tough. I had two babies (ages 1 and newborn) that I had to get ready for daycare and drop off at two different locations for about 6 months. Later, my neighbor across the street on Bolling Air Force Base, was able to watch both my kids for me. This made my life tremendously easier for me during my last year or so of active service. I was so indebted to her that I named my next baby after her and asked her to be that child's godmother!

I often wonder why I didn't just stay in, or stay a drilling reservist. I know several military moms who did just that. They can proudly say they served their country for 20-some odd years in uniform while juggling the stresses of military service, marriage and kids. They are just some of my mom-heroes.

I wasn't called to that level of sacrifice. I chose to instead give myself completely to having a whole passel of kids and homeschooling them, while moving with my husband's job to 5 different locations after I got out of the Navy.

Twenty-Year Reunion at Annapolis

What do a commanding officer of a guided missile warship, an airline pilot, a medical doctor, an astronaut and a homeschooling mother of ten have in common? We're all in the sixth class of women to graduate from the United States Naval Academy.

We entered the naval service in July, 1981; a typically hot, humid day in Annapolis, Maryland. Most of the 1200 new midshipmen shared traits of idealism, patriotism and a desire to serve. The nearly one hundred women who entered that day shared something else we didn't yet realize. We would have to prove ourselves as deserving a place at the Academy when many, if not most, of our male classmates saw us as parasites, stealing the place of a young man who should have been there.

We weren't the first to face such trials. The first women were appointed to the service academies in 1976 by act of Congress and against the wishes of most senior officers. In these modern times, so the argument went, women could be just as effective technical Cold War warriors as men. The funny thing is, most proponents of feminism who petitioned to open the academies to women weren't the sort who'd actually want their daughters (or sons) to fight for their country in uniform. We few women were in the strange position of being both patriot and pariah.

I was a small-town girl from Colorado. I graduated from Del Norte High School in the San Luis Valley. Life at the Naval Academy was as opposite from my experience as possible. There were times when I wondered if I'd made the right decision to leave Colorado and a four-year Boettcher scholarship for a nine-year commitment to the Navy. But due to stubbornness, pride, or sheer determination, I wasn't about to quit.

Nearly eighty women made it to graduation in 1985. We didn't think we made history, we were just thankful to finally realize the dream of graduation. We went our separate ways. We went to drive ships, lead Marines, fly jets, communicate over satellites and more, all over the globe. Some of us completed our required service and left to pursue civilian careers, or motherhood, or both. Some of us retired after twenty years and command at sea. Some of us still serve, and one flew a mission on the space shuttle. Captain Lisa Nowak (no relation), achieved some amazing things before she became internationally infamous.

I met up with some of these remarkable women at our twentieth reunion a couple of years ago. They're smart, successful, beautiful women and I'm honored to call them classmates. It was wonderful to reconnect after twenty years, to meet husbands and to see pictures of kids. Unfortunately, none of us thought to organize a mini-reunion or even a picture with just the women. We realized we were still trying so hard to be one of the guys and not rock the boat, that it was hard to understand we didn't have to play by those rules anymore.

Only once during our four years at the Academy did we pose for a group picture. The women who cut our hair requested a picture of each class, starting with the first class of women in 1980. We had our picture taken shortly before graduation, and it joined the five earlier photos they had displayed in the women's beauty shop. The picture shows sixty-two of the seventy-six graduates in front of the chapel. The sun is shining brightly on a beautiful spring day and we're young and full of hope for the future. (Lisa Nowak, the astronaut, is fourth from the left in the front row. I feel so terrible for her and what she and her family must be going through. Something in this remarkable woman cracked and there but for the grace of God go you or I. Oh, and I'm the sixth one from the left in the front row.) I would love to have another group photo taken. Maybe we'll do it at our next reunion.